We all come across various difficulties in our lives. However, not all of us handle them as effectively as we should. As strategies for getting through life’s problems are rarely formally learned, we are constrained to use trial and error, sometimes leading to suboptimal results.
Dealing effectively with our difficulties and problems requires appropriate emotional control, acceptance of realities, charting out a course of action, and finally taking preventive measures to keep future problems at bay. Thus, arming ourselves with the right intellectual, mental, and spiritual strategies to get through these phases can help us achieve successful breakthroughs.
Let’s go over those steps in more detail.
The Emotional Response
An emotional response to a difficulty or calamity is normal and only human. However, emotions have to be managed and channeled appropriately; else they can manifest negatively within our personalities and affect our lives in general. Research, too, confirms that emotionally-reactive individuals confronting even relatively minor challenges in their lives are prone to increased physical problems and diseases.
One potential way people channel their emotions is to act them out uncontrollably and irresponsibly. In such situations, the prophet (peace be upon him) instructed us to exercise patience and to maintain a composed demeanor instead. When his son Ibrahim was dying, the prophet’s eyes filled with tears. Abd al-Rahmaan ibn Awf said, ‘Are you weeping when you have forbidden us to weep?’ The Prophet said, ‘I do not forbid weeping. What I have forbidden is two foolish and evil kinds of voices: voices at times of entertainment and play and the flutes of the Shaytaan, and voices at times of calamity and scratching the face and rending the garments and screaming.’” [Al-Tirmidhi, al-Bayhaqi in al-Sunan al-Kubra (4/69), classed as hasan by al-Albaani]
In other cases, emotions are channeled to fester, which then leads to the development of a victimized mindset. You may not realize it, but believing that your life is a teary saga may be the anchor weighing you down and preventing you from moving forward.
So, be conscious of how you channel your emotions. You can temper them with positive thinking and a strong faith. If you show any signs of having a victimized mindset then you need to snap out of it and adopt a more positive and reality based mindset instead. That can put you on the right path to get out of your difficulties faster.
Trying to make sense of the difficulties
The divine decree: When facing difficulties, our weak faith can sometimes drive us to question the fairness of it all. In this context, we should remind ourselves that believing in al-Qadr (Allah’s divine will and decree) is one of the pillars of Islamic faith. As the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, it means belief in (1) Allah, (2) Angels, (3) revealed Holy Books (Quran, Bible, Torah, etc.), (4) His Messengers, (4) Day of Judgment, and (5) to believe in al-qadar (the divine decree) both good and bad. Allah also says in the Quran, “No calamity befalls on the earth or in your selves but it is inscribed in the Book of Decrees (Al?Lawh Al?Mahfooz) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allah.” [al-Hadeed 57:22].
As part of that belief, we should therefore recognize that Allah does what He wills for reasons that are only known to Him. Any attempt to comprehend with our limited minds His wisdom, or to understand how our current situation fits in His overall plan can only lead us to erroneous conclusions.
The “If-Only” Trap: Another trap that many of us fall into has to do with using the “if-only” logic. Very often, our minds tell us that “if I could have done such and such, then this wouldn’t have happened.” The prophet warned us against falling into such satanic traps. In a hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah, the prophet remarked,
“…….If anything befalls you, do not say ‘If only I had done (such and such), the such and such would have happened,’ rather say: ‘Allah has decreed and what He wills He does,’ for ‘if only’ opens the door to the work of the shaytaan.” Narrated by Muslim (2664).
We see another example of this during the battle of Uhud when many Muslims died. This gave the hypocrites an excuse to criticize the divine decree. But Allah refuted their claims by stating (interpretation of the meaning): “Say: ‘Even if you had remained in your homes, those for whom death was decreed would certainly have gone forth to the place of their death’”. [Aal ‘Imraan 3:154].
This further goes to show that what Allah decrees is inevitable. Any attempt to imagine a different outcome based on different actions that we could have taken in the past will only increase our frustrations. This belief is also a blessing because it prevents us from returning to the past that can result in nothing but an added emotional baggage.
In this context, many among us also resort to blaming people, including those close to us. This blaming attitude in turn nurtures a mindset where people (even within families) resist future temptations to recommend anything or engage in an open dialogue. This not only weakens communications amongst people but also causes irreparable rifts and a loss of trust between them.
To summarize, accepting the divine decree can help us in not only forgoing the past but to also win Allah’s pleasure. Suppressing our urge to blame others by maintaining a positive mindset can help us maintain healthy relationships and in also keeping good recommendations and advice flowing.
Getting yourself out of trouble
Having accepted Allah’s decree, and after getting over any emotional challenges, the next step involves taking the right actions to get us out of our problems and difficulties. Actively engaging our God gifted faculties to pull us out of such situations is not as common as one may think. Thus, many a time we fail to achieve successful breakthroughs because we either follow a haphazard approach to resolve our problems or give up on our efforts too early in the process. This leads us to get stalled and makes us regard situations as irresolvable, hoping and praying for miracles to pull us out.
If you find yourself in such situations, this may be the time to rethink your overall approach. You see, most of us are accustomed to looking for “silver bullet” types of solutions. However, such solutions aren’t that many and thus can’t be relied on to get you out of your life’s challenges. Adopting a realistic but methodical approach instead has a better chance of putting you closer to your desired outcomes.
This requires that you take time to define the problems and difficulties that you face with increased clarity and specificity. This is bound to yield better results because you will get clearer about the outcomes that you desire. You will also be able to clearly delineate the constituent tasks that potentially can put you closer to your desired solution. Follow those tasks through to the end with perseverance and patience and you may reduce the load of your problems.
On the spiritual front, we should recognize that if Allah puts us through trials or punishes us because of our sins, the decision is His. However, as highlighted in another post on this site, seeking forgiveness through repentance (Istighfar) can help undo the damage of our sins. As the prophet (peace be upon him) said: “whoever does a lot of Istighfar, Allah will provide him a way out of each concern he has, and will solve all his troubles, and will provide him with livelihood from sources that were not known to him” (Narrated by Imam Ahmad, Sanad Sahih.)
Preventive measures
Finally, although Allah’s decree is ordained, there are things we can do beforehand to influence the outcome of our efforts, and thus prevent problems from piling up. First, we should never forget that Allah has provided us with a free will and associated faculties to think and act. As the prophet had stated, while we should fully trust Allah, we should tie our horse first – meaning we should use all our God-gifted faculties and exercise the required due diligence.
Second, for cases in which we fumble to choose between options, we should exercise the use of the Istikhara prayers. The text of the dua recited in those prayers clearly reflects your plea to Allah to make the desired decision work for you if it’s good for you, or to ward it off if it’s not. By doing so, you consciously put your faith in Him to guide you. This will reduce the likelihood of you ending up with a failed outcome and thus an added burden for you to carry in the future.
Conclusion
To summarize, remember that effectively channeling your emotions, letting go of a negative past, maximizing the use of your God-gifted faculties, and above all a strong faith can help you attain the wisdom that life demands from you to get through even the most difficult challenges. Just ensure that you get serious about resisting the old attitudes and inculcate a positive mindset to propel you forward.
We live in an era in which the world is mired in great challenges. It is no longer possible to ignore the turmoil that surrounds us, be it the instability in many countries or the problems associated with the millions struggling to make a living. Whatever be the reasons that led the world to this stage, it’s clear that a change is essential to get out from this chaos.
Our personal lives are not immune from this turmoil. Many times we all seek to correct the course of our lives to maximize our share of worldly and spiritual fulfillment. Whether its to inculcate better Islamic habits or others related to secular aspects of our lives, the process of personal change provides us with an opportunity to improve ourselves.
The ability to come out of this state – to change – also gives us hope for a better future. Fortunately, we live during times where good advice surrounds us. The Internet and its support structure have provided us with a way to gain instant access to stores of knowledge and words of wisdom. The problem, however, has been that our pace of change hasn’t kept up with what we learn from this knowledge. You see, there comes a point in our lives where we need to go beyond learning and to eventually change and start living that wisdom.
Bringing lasting personal change however, isn’t that easy and many of us give up trying. But since change is important to get us out of our current states, we simply can’t quit. So, the struggle must go on until we find a way to overcome barriers to personal change.
We may wonder about why we fail to change? For those of us who have attempted to change with not much to show for, the process can be frustrating. Understanding reasons that lead to this failure can help us overcome these obstacles. Let’s review those below.
Desensitization to time
Procrastination is known to be one of the biggest hurdles to change. Psychologists refer to procrastination as “the act of replacing high-priority actions with tasks of low-priority, and thus putting off important tasks to a later time.” Whether one procrastinates in worldly or spiritual matters, it has its consequences. Procrastinators falsely assume that time will be available in the future, which may not be true. For example, we see that in the Quran Allah mentions numerous nations who were given time to heed to His message and change. The ones who didn’t were suddenly taken by surprise at their appointed time. In the Chapter of Al-Anaam (verse 44), Allah says, “So, when they forgot (the warning) with which they had been reminded, We opened for them the gates of every (pleasant) thing, until in the midst of their enjoyment in that which they were given, all of a sudden, We took them (in punishment), and lo! They were plunged into destruction with deep regrets and sorrows." while they will bear their burdens on their backs; and evil indeed are the burdens that they will bear! ”
The message above couldn’t be clearer. Allah gives us the time to reform ourselves. When we postpone indefinitely, we shouldn’t be surprised if our conditions worsen. Allah says in the Quran, “Verily, We sent (Messengers) to many nations before you (O Muhammad). And We seized them with extreme poverty (or loss in wealth) and loss in health (with calamities) so that they might humble themselves (believe with humility).” (Chapter #6, Verse #42)
We should, therefore, urgently start facing up to our spiritual and worldly imperfections which may be manifesting as sins. Accordingly, we need to make the connection between those imperfections and our undesirable conditions. Remember, the price of putting off change can come in the form of tough times and future regrets. Let’s not procrastinate until tomorrow because even if we had the extra time, tomorrow could bring additional challenges thus increasing the load of our burdens.
Desensitization to falsehood and imperfections
Change of any type first requires clearly identifying and recognizing the negative behavior, habit, thought, or belief. However, when one gets desensitized to such imperfections, the need for such a change is no longer felt. The “negatives” become part of our existence and we become complacent about them. For example, many amongst Muslims pray Fajar prayers after the prescribed time (or miss it altogether) and no longer see it as a sin or feel the impulse to correct such a behavior.
Today, we live in trying times where guidelines driven by personal interests rather than based on divine teachings are being used to decide the lawful (halal) and the unlawful (haram). This is slowly blurring the dividing lines between falsehood and truth. As a direct consequence, though unknown to many of us (including Muslims), we have slowly begun to be more accepting of wrong behaviors leading to devastating consequences. This is similar to the boiling water and frog analogy, which states that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out. However, if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will fail to feel the change and thus will never jump out, dying in the process.
This loss of our sense to distinguish between falsehood and truth makes Shaytan sneak into our lives, further hindering our efforts to improve. Allah says in the Quran, "And whosoever turns away blindly from the remembrance of the Most Gracious (Alláh) (i.e., this Qurán and worship of Alláh), We appoint for him a Shaitán (Satan/devil) to be a Qarin (a companion) to him. And verily, they (Satans/devils) hinder them from the path (of Alláh), but they think that they are guided aright!" (43:36,37).
Islamic teachings thus warn us against getting into such traps and instead instruct us to never lose sight of the distinction between right and wrong. Just because we chose to ignore rectifying the wrong to suit our situations doesn’t transform wrong into right. By maintaining that distinction we can still expect to rectify it someday.
Lack of commitment
Commitment to change is essential for any major change of attitude to take place in the long run. Research has proved that things such as “will power” can take us only so far and for so long. We need a more stable “inner resource” to sustain our change efforts for the long run.
One way to ensure that you stay committed to any change effort is to clearly define the outcome that you envision from that change. Envisioning the outcome for a change is quite different from simply having the desire to change. Although desires may provide the emotional fuel behind our change efforts, they don’t manifest the underlying complexities to drive an actual change process. Outcomes from the intended change must therefore be envisioned clearly, e.g. the new person that you will become after you give up a certain negative behavior, to ensure continued commitment levels.
Take the example of the prophet’s commitment when he started propagating the Islamic message during the early days of Islam. When the prophet’s uncle warned him of the risks of doing so, he clearly stated, “O my uncle, by Allah, if they put the sun in my right hand and the moon in my left in return for my giving up this cause, I would not give it up until Allah makes Truth victorious, or I die in His service.” It was that kind of a commitment that kept him going for the rest of his life and to bring about the change that he did.
To motivate us to do good deeds and to put our temporary stay in this life in perspective, Allah and His prophet have very clearly defined the outcomes of our actions in this life and the hereafter. The detailed account they have provided us about our stay in this world and after we take the last breath, show us a clear path from now until our final destination. For us to make any change therefore, we should commit ourselves and clearly envision the outcome that we expect from our change.
Lack of a personal change system
Islam constitutes a system of obligatory ibadat such as prayers, fasting, etc., that helps a Muslim adhere to a discipline of maintaining his or her relationship with Allah. No one would disagree that if such ibadat were instead optional, most of us wouldn’t be able to maintain our current levels of spirituality. So, just as methodical and disciplined systems help us perform effectively in both our spiritual and worldly matters, instituting a methodical “personal change system” is equally important to help us follow through on the changes that we want to make in our lives. Such a system will help us to make, track, and sustain changes throughout our lives.
Parting words
Finally, let’s remember that to seek a change in our conditions we must do things differently from the way that initially led to where we stand today. So, the road from misery to fulfillment, from good to great, and from Allah’s displeasure to seeking His pleasure starts with you getting on the process of change. As Allah says in the Quran: “Verily, Allah will not change the condition of a people as long as they do not change their state themselves” [al-Raa’d 13:11].
Points to ponder:
What in your opinion are other barriers to change, especially when we know the truth. What can be done to overcome such barriers?
